I miss him again today

Him, the one at Bandung..

even I know he would never feel the same way
even I know he will never be mine

ARRRRGGH!!

Pengen banget ngomel hari ini. Semuanya ngga bener.
I am totally sick of today!!
All in sudden I hate my self, I hate my work, I hate my mates. I hate what I am doing, I just... TIRED... I just want to have someone to share all of this load with.

Noone knows..
Noone to share with..
Noone would even care..

and I begin to feel tired... and numb..

I miss you so much this morning..

Crush..
by David Archuletta

I hung up the phone tonight
Something happened for the first time
Deep inside
It was a rush
What a rush
'Cause the possibility
That you would ever feel the same way
About me
It's just too much
Just too much
Why do I keep running from the truth
All I ever think about is you
You got me hypnotized
So mesmerized
And I've just got to know

Do you ever think
When you're all alone
All that we could be?
Where this thing could go?
Am I crazy or falling in love?
Is it really just another crush?
Do you catch a breath
When I look at you?
Are you holding back
Like the way I do?
'Cause I'm trying, trying to walk away
But I know this crush ain't going
Away
Going away

Has it ever crossed your mind
When we're hanging,
Spending time, girl, are we just friends
Is there more
Is there more
See it's a chance we've gotta take
'Cause I believe that we can make this
Into something that'll last
Last forever
Forever

Why do I keep running from the truth
(Why do I keep running)
All I ever think about is you
(All I ever think about)
You got me hypnotized
(Hypnotized)
So mesmerized
(mesmerized)
And I've just got to know

I miss my handsome Hen Hen.
yet this is just a crush - or just what so ever it called.

More Bills to Come

"Permisi Pak"
OB gue taruh sebuah amplop biru dari BRI.
More bills to come. Fiuh..

Open it!! Open it!!
You have your guts to swap your card
You have your brave to open the bills

1… 2…
2…
Ngga berani!!
2…
3…
2 juta!!!!
Shocked…

Beli apa aja sih?
Shopping gue waktu ke Malaysia bulan kemarin, baru masuk sekarang bills nya
Ticket ke Singapore July 19-21 (hihihihi.. Katanya bangkrut kok malah ke SIN),
Cicilan tiket ke Bangkok bulan August nanti,
2 biji Dasi NEXT yang masing masing baru dipake sekali,
Traktir orang rumah waktu pulang kemarin,
Beli Lmen and toilettries stock sebulan..
Kok gitu doank 2 juta sih?

Magic (Evil) Shopping Card

Back from the Lunch with TJ and find two envelopes I know the best:
1. the green and white envelope from Bank Mandiri, just to inform that I have limit balance that I can do nothing about.
2. the blue envelope, printed with Merlion, UOB's best Singapore Card.
Shocked.. I have IDR 3,2 mios on my bills that have to be paid by this July 16th.
My sister tried to swap the card yesterday and she got rejected on proceed the transaction.
How am I supposed and be able to pay for this?
And the next another one hour, I get Phone Call from Bank Bumi Putera offering Credit Card, and I have said yes to those guys…
I hate my self more and more.
I keep spending
I keep shopping,
I keep pretending that I can afford those things

Sekali Parasit Tetap Parasit

Petir membangunkan ku
Dari mimpi buruk ku
Selama ini ku hanya terperangkap
Dalam medan magnetmu

Baru kusadari
Kau seperti parasit
Minta ini itu kau minta padaku
Dengan semau mu
Cukup sudah ku kini mulai gerah
Ku perlu oksigen untuk aku bernafas
Tanpamu

Pergi kau keujung dunia
Dehidrasi di gunung sahara
Hilang di segitiga bermuda (segitiga bermuda)
Pergi kau keluar angkasa
Hipotermia di kutub utara
Hilang di samudra antartika
Dan jangan kembali (parasit parasit parasit parasit)
Kau memang parasit (parasit parasit parasit parasit)

Mulanya malu-malu
Lalu jadi benalu
Minta ini itu kau minta padaku
Dengan semau mu

Cukup sudah ku mulai naik darah
Ku seperti bom atom yang siap meledak
Karnamu

Pergi kau keujung dunia
Dehidrasi di gunung sahara
Hilang di segitiga bermuda (segitiga bermuda)
Pergi kau keluar angkasa
Hipotermia di kutub utara
Hilang di samudra antartika
Dan jangan kembali ah..

Pergi kau keujung dunia
Dehidrasi di gunung sahara
Hilang di segitiga bermuda
Dan jangan kembali (parasit parasit)
Kau memang parasit (parasit parasit)

Minta dibayarin (parasit parasit)
Minta ditraktirin (parasit parasit)
Minta dianterin (parasit parasit)
Minta dijemputin (parasit parasit)
Minta ditelponin (parasit parasit)
Minta di sms-in (parasit parasit)
Minta dibeliin (parasit parasit)
Minta dibayarin (parasit parasit)
Minta ditraktirin (parasit parasit)
Minta dianterin (parasit parasit)
Minta dijemputin (parasit parasit)
Minta ditelponin (parasit parasit)
Minta di sms-in (parasit parasit)
Minta dibeliin (parasit parasit)
Dasar kau parasit

Mental Illness

Gue udah mulai di tahap hampir gila sama kelakuan mantan gue, the psichopathic guy who have several attempt to cut himself and blaming me out of that.

Not in a chance in my life that I would still keep un the relationship with my EX'es after we broke up. It has ended, so, what more to take? S***!! Itu orang maunya apa lagi sih? Udah jelas jelas hubungan sudah selesai, mau untuk apa lagi dipanjang panjangin lagi kalo gitu?
1. Basi
2. Ngga penting
3. Ngga berkembang
4. The chapter has been ended, the end. What else to take?

Udah gitu masih aja masih perlakuin gue seolah2 pacarnya. Sms telat dikit ngga dibales marah, dan jadi kasar berhari hari, sms dengan hurur CAPITAL yang memekakkan mata, sampe mau baca sms gue aja udah berasa panas duluan ini hati.

Yang paling terakhir dia marah ma gue gara gara gue tanya ke dia:
"Ngga bole marah ya.
Aku mau tanya, kenapa sih sampe sekarang km marih memperlakukan aku seolah-olah pacar kamu?"

Ngerti ngga arti pertanyaan ini? Just a simple, basic question: Why?
Ini juga karena gue punya perasaan, bisa mikir kenapa kok dia gitu terus, dan lebih tepatnya kalo gue udah bener bener ngga tahan kalo masih harus urusan sama dia, as if I am his BF! Ngga lucu, ngga mau!

Not in a chance gue bakal mau balik lagi ke dia!

Balas:
Kalo gua bilang gak, lu mau jawan apa dan kenapa?
Kalo gua bilang ya, lu mau jawan apa dan kenapa?

Bencong!
Orang tanya kok malah dibales tanya, maksudnya apa sih? Kok ngga ngerti, orang jelas banget orang tanya kok malah balik ditanya kalo ya - kalo ngga!!

Bego!!! Tolol!!! Ngga makan bangku sekolahan sih, jadi ngga ngerti-ngerti, dikit dikit apa apa ditanya, dikit dikit harus jelasin secara detail. Bego!
Tolol! Males banget sama orang ngga berpendidikan kayak Mr Ex ini. Gimana gue mau abikin dia kalo ngga ada perubahan juga dari dia?

Mine Your own (Financial) Business

I got head bang on my head last night when i sum all my bills on my "dear" credit cards and they have appeared of 8 digits figure. Almost 10 mio's they are.

Shoot!! Masa sih beneran gue yang pake itu semua? But I think I did not spend that much. I just bought some discounted stuffs waktu jalan jalan. Ngga banyak, dan really worth to buy for such price. Tapi.. Masih ngga yakin dan ngga percaya dengan fakta 8 digits itu..

Let's check out and see the stuffs I bought the last month: uhmm.. Airline tickets Singapore great sale: baju G2000, baju Guess, perfume Calvin Klein, baju lagi, baju lagi, NEXT Ties, Sledger Shoes, Black Reebok Gym Shoes, another shopping time at Bandung Factory Outlet, my new Mobile Phone, 50% off mega food promo that I actually cannot affords, but overall.. I did swap my cards for all of them..

The problem.. How to deals with them all? Saking shocknya gue sampe sms TJ and ganggu kelas dia semalem and bener bener lemes. I am young, fabulous, and confirmed Financially broke. Gimana gue bisa bayar hutang yang 8 digits itu sedang gaji gue aja not even a half of them?

Dan bayangin kalo I will keep spending more by next travels to Sin, to Sin-BKK, and not to mention Vietnam and or Philliphines?
How can I finance all of my fabulus trips? How can I cover the fees?
Really cannot tell this to anyone.

I was only tell to TJ and I just don't want to make her worry too much about me, them she will take care of me "extremely" hahaha.. Ngga enak aja, gue ngga mau sampe kayak gitu. She's all I have to share this. But this is what is on my plate, and I as the owner have to take care of them, no matter how, for how long, I will have to be able to take care of them. Let me save my cards for temporary moments, resting them for a while, and pay my debs gradually. Hope that this will make me grow up

What make me actually spend that much?
I might not really need those all, but I love the time when search for something fancy, worth on price that regularly I would not be able to spend, then definetely I would swap my cards for them. And then, once I bring them on the big - new - shopping bag, I will be so happy to bring them home. Let me remember for some moments.. How many time I always be home and have to bring "something" on my shopping bags weight for about 4KGs?

Yang bikin tambah kesel, BB, appan sih, gue berniat cerita udah diketawain, ngga lucu tahu!
I have this debt stranggle me on, and he just laugh at me? Bener bener deh dissapointed sama dia semalem, udah gitu pake cerita ke HK kalo dia bete banget ngga ketemu gue pas kemarin gue pulang ke rumah? Well, I know you, and yet you can't even spare 30 minutes to see me where we have not see each other for the last 8 months? Come on.. Had it enough sama offense nya dia kadang. Or is it me who are so offense to him? Gue kan Cuma pengen cerita, ngga bakal hutang kok! I told you this is my own problem. Entahlah.. Keburu bete deh gue.

Lots coming up in my mind, have none to talk about, have no escape

(hey!!! I know... I used to shop to run away from my loneliness!!!!)
I browse the whole shopping malls on weekends because I have nothing to do, have no friends to go with, urrrrhg.. That could be one of the reason.

plus bayar late fee Mega Cards gue - IDR 75,000! shoot!! kok bisa lupa sih!!
back to work.. udah cukup ngomel pagi ini, sebelum gue jadi tante tante grumppy yang ngga asyik and bikin mood gue hilang.. hihihihi

the following H word

Damn!!!!!!!!!
I have the boner all weekend long!!
and now I am fully H!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Pengen!!!

Gue pengen ML!!!
bener2 pengen ML!!!
Really need to get laid..

Req: chi, 23-30, muscular, V to B or T only, large to extra large endowment
please register.. hahaha

Numb

As I keep thinking about my feeling this lately, I have found and confirming that I have lost my feelings. Not for all of them, but for sure I have lost my sense. I keep all my feelings inside without letting none knew it. Nor I have noone to share it with. I usually only talk to myself and have it burried inside. Yet believe something that people do not share.. But how much I have keep for my self? How much is my capacity to keep it all burried?

I just feel numb and begin to be tired of hiding my feelings.
I just feel that my volume is almost over.
I just feel that noone understand me
I just feel tired pretending that seems my life is the great one.
I just . . .
Cannot feel them all anymore.

I can't even find the words to describe what this is about:
Confuse + upset + depressed + demotivate + lonely + pretending + hiding = zero feelings

D -1 to Valentine Day

Happy Valentine Day!!!!

hope my closest persons will have a great Valentine day ever:

• my family, mom - dad - and my dearest siblings that I cannot be with now.
• my sister who have just finished the heavy tax courses and have almost A+ for all her scoring. hope she will celebrate the night as well.
• TJ who plan to have Valentine day with her Coon at Jogya for 4 days long.
• my BB who are in love crisis right now.. Mr A or Mr B? Feel that boy is not really you, eh?
• my beatiful prince.. oh.. I think I miss him and would like to see him..

Who will be my valentine? Will I go with my prince tomorrow night?

Anyhow...

HAPPY VALENTINE ALL..

Wish you will have a wonderfull Valentine

Beautiful Prince

Consierge sent me another invitation to Gnite for Sunday, Feb 8th. This one themed as G Tea Dance. Tea Dance? Maybe since the timing was not usual, 7 am which still consider as Tea time? But, indeed they have chosen such a great place at the Entitled - JW Mariott Mega Kuningan. Yet I have put on the guest list, but actually I kinda not really up to the event yet until suddenly something encourage me to came up to the party.

The crowd were still empty at the time, and until I moved up to the dance floor I noticed this beautiful guy, someone that really catch my attention that I could not stop looked at. There he was, sitting accoss me on the bar, and his beautiful, perfection made my heart beat so hard. I noticed him somewhere, I know .

Flash back - I tried so hard to remember
I opened my Manjam account and have a message pop up on my inbox. A very cute, handsome, and gorgeus guy it was. Named as Fayeprice, he is really have a figure of that prince for me. shortly, I replied and gave him my email. whoa.. and he did actually gave his YM as well as asked whether I have a plan to go out that night.

back to the story..

And there he was, across the bar in front of me, then Confirmed, he is the one I saw at Manjam. he is the beautiful prince I met. I stacked at him and cannot stood away my sight of him, suddenly he stands beside me on the dance floor, walked passed me by, then returned to his previous seat.

I took it for granted, passed him for twice until I lousyly decided to say hi to him

I guess I kinda know you
what? Can't hear you
I guess I kinda know you
(still cannot hear) then I write text on my mobile
You sent me a message on my Manjam, something with prince, right?
yeah!! oh, yes, nice to see you.

bla bla bla
(not actually bla bla bla because we had not even talked. I was too nervous sitting next to such a gorgeus guy like him. oh my.... so lousy me...

I made it clear point that I was that lousy. yah well..
I kept saying my self stupid for that.

But.. right after that night, I hot his email, I got his mobile and have some texts, some emails, and some standard conversation as well. The last thing I gave is the invitation to join me on the valentine party at musro by this valentine day...
Will he come? let's see

Creepy

The third night in the new boarding home, still have some problem to sleep. It was raining last night, quite much heavy, hence it was cold enough for me to sleep.

But something weird happened to me last night.
Something crawling on my right feet, rough enough to wake me up from my "deal sleep" and just jumped out of the bed, screamed, and whooing - Shoo-ing something I did not even see? But as I remembered it, it is more like grab? or crawl?
What was that?

It is kinda spooky actually for me that I don't really like and don't want to deals with "this" kind of things as you can imagine the worst. I really don't!

What was that?

New (Simpler) Way of Life

Friday night, after office hours, I decided to go to Plaza Indonesia. A friend dropped me in front of EX! They have made lots of changes on EX and PI. In simple words, you will no longer find any EX! On the previous bridge connecting PI and EX! Previously. Instead you will find this ultra - techno - avant garde design. In a short glimpse of, I decided to send a text to Bent, just in case he's at Celeb. 2 minutes after, he replied and asked to meet me at XXI and I did.

We talked a lot and he shared that he was about to take his 2nd housings (apartment for the 2nd time) somewhere at West Jakarta. And soon as he asked me whether I'd like to take the same apartment, here goes.. I got audited and I become really nude in front of him. I teld him my income and my life style. What I meant audited was really audited. He scratched out my incoming and the "normal" post I should have only.

The problem is I'm not normal. I spent 1/3 of my total salary for a rented room. Fancy enough to have me settled for the rest 13 months, Swipe my credit cards over here and there, then got confuse when I have to pay for the bill. Lots of things need to be changed in my life!!
I shocked!! Life changes means no more F words. No more Fancy - Fabulous - Fun costs to be spent anymore.

I thought quite or less enough to have me decided to move out from my fancy room to the non air con one. Skip the Air Con, skip the spaces to put all of my stuffs, and there I was move out to the new boarding house priced just half of the previous one.
Other things? No more credit card swapped. Cash only please!!
No more shopping for that "fancy" goody..
No more "fabulos' meal to have
No G nite at EX! On Saturday night ( I lost my mood to hang out and spent more cash that night)
Budget all of expenses and tight your belt..
Haha

Very well input from anyone I shared with regarding to this - so far. Bent even thanked me that I followed what he said. Pheew..
There will be lots of changes of my life. But I do hope that I will just the same Ethan as I am now. Just simpler, less fancy room I have, and .... More of savings commencing this month!! Hahahaha..

Some price need to be paid for the improvement, and I do hope that will be fabulous me then..

Rude?

I met this Cute Damian Lin several days ago on Manjam. He is a very cute - muscular - 28 years old - Taiwanese guy who works as Language teacher. One thing that reaklly impressed me was that he masters several language, and in his (consider) young age, he had travelled - back pak to more than 10 different countries at Europe! How cool is that? Short story, I told him that I would be very rarely to open my Manjam account that I asked his personal email contacts to ease the comminication, and he gave me his.

Last night I drop some emails to him, just very so-so email, say: hi and some little stuffs

Dear Damian..

It's Ethan here.. Hope you would still remember me. the clock is showing 8.30 pm now, but I am still working in the office since I have some deadlines to be submitted by tomorrow and just worry if i can't made it on time. still too many to be handle. fiuuh...

As yesterday i took my sick leave, then lots of things to be followed up and fixed. some meetings which supposed to be on Friday is reschedule to be today, as well as my Annual Performance Appraisal. the great thing is that my perfomance within the year was confirmed as excellent. too much to be asked? well, i would just expect more bonus then.. hahaha

How are your day?Hope you have as great day as mine.

Warm regards, Ethan

And it end up today that he replied me like this:

* Be sure to DELETE UNNECESSARY original message in your reply. I hate it when someone does otherwise!* Choose a proper title for your mail!

I don't send pics.

And I was shocked reading his reply. Wondering what was so offense of my (consider such a) warm email sent to him? Yes, indeed I sent him because he is cute, but in the other hand, all I wanted was only make a friend of someone from other side of the world that might have different view of what life is, how to live life, and those are really fascinating me.

Wonder what else would he said on my comments to him?

Do all of those cute - handsome guys have to be that snob as if he is the center of the world. Let me count some of people whom I consider cute - handsome.. Are they? Yes indeed.. hahaha.. but in the other hand, I know that theey deserve to do so, they have the look, they have the body. They have their groupies who adorer them so much, addicted to what they have - PHISICALLY.

When can I be as snob as them? hahaha..
When can I be as handsome as them? body as good as them..

Performance Appraisal

Right after I came back from my sick leave yesterday and open my Outlook, I noticed that my beautiful supervisor reschedule the performance appraisal scheduled to be tomorrow - on today after lunch. I have not yet prepared for this. I am not wearing by best suit for today appraisal. At least I can wear something more professional, maybe?

There I came to the meeting room and shared with her, that basically we have no problem with what I wrote and scored to my self (I scored mostly 5 of 5 for my scores - is it too much? Am I over confidence for scoring my self as I wrote?). But basically she has no problem of the my performance, my scoring as well. Only several input for me of the small things, regarding to the Segregation of Duty checking and reporting base ( I told her that I don't have the access, but since this is as one of my responsibility, then I am the one should maintain it, no matter what - no matter how) I will.. I will..

Other things, why does it feels as common and so so compliment given to me?
Why does it feels that they are really my habits? Very ordinary? Less Excellent? Less outstanding?
Am I starting to feel numb of feeling something, which supposed to be something that I can be proud of?
Do I push my self too high?
Do I put too high standard for my self?
Why don't I feel happy while I'm supposed to be?
I think... I start to feel numb..

Hmmmmmmmppphhh.... Sigh.... Take a deep breath...
How much I can expect for my calibrated score?
How much should I expect my bonus to be?
How much should I expect my salary adjustment?

I am... Really not happy with my life now....
I'm not living the kind of live I think and imagine as.

Hugest and splashiest Load of Bent

I had Bent came on my Boarding home last night and we did it..
Ackward feeling of make out with someone you thought as your brother? Or there is no such brother in this G world?
Prestory: watching some porn together..
Time - 2 hours long
Result - horny to death, really wet down there

1st round: lights off, TV off, clothes off, show on!
Time - 30 minutes
Result - hot make out turned weird and ackward, we both were laughed together of what we did and we stop, lost all the desire to continue
(yet I still wanted to finish it, come on, we started it, and should end it)
Remarks - body 7, endowment 4, service 4 - techniques 3
But I remarked as "pro" as he said to me right after. Is that a good thing or bad thing? I guess that’s a good thing though
Winner- none

1 (and a half) round. We were agreed to sleep as we keeps laughing all the time. But he said my body is really warm, and afraid I will be sick and had a bang on my head by the next morning is I did not cum that night. so he insist to cum that night
Time - 15 minutes
Result - pleasure 5 - feelt the same as jerking alone, sound 4 (what a shame of moaning beside Vend!!), volume 6 - just so so
Winner - only me

Second round - we were asleep, but suddenly Bent move my hand to his fully boner, as if he wanted me to do something. I woke up and give him the best I can
Time - 20- minutes
Result: Bent's moan 90 really turns me on - Bent's big O 95 (I can tell from his moan and his load), - load -95 (what a crazy splashy load!!)
One moment he about to cum, he asked me if he can splash his juicy cum to my body as I like and I said yes, then he sat on my pelvis and really move it..
And he did his hugest - splashiest load I have ever had in my life!! I had his juicy sperm on my chest, neck, face, mouth, bed sheets, pillows, and the walls!
It was really nice to have such a splashy load like this, I want more like this!! Great job Bent!
Winner: Bent!

What a day!!
What a game to play..
Total score Bent vs Ethan = huge 1 vs 2 =D